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The end. For now.

So, seeing as how I decided to take myself off the pills a couple of weeks back and I’m still in one piece I guess this will be the end of this blog (for now at least). I’ll keep this blog up for the time being.
I must say, the side-effects coming off the pills […]

No.

Je refuse.

Uh…nevermind

$70 a month and not covered by insurance? Back to the generic Celexa I go.

Didn’t this blog used to be about medication? I seem to recall something of the sort, which means I should be noting that I’m starting a new medication today, Lexapro, which is like Celexa 2.0. It’s funny that for someone who freaked out about taking meds the first time around that I would […]

Waiting

I have a post just waiting in my head to be written but I don’t think I should be writing anything here while I’m feeling so raw. It’s also hard to write about the state of my mind when I’m working on getting out of it. To delve back in enough to write […]

on suicide

Just seeing the word makes me cringe and ever since I saw taking my own life as a viable option, I cannot say the word out loud. In some ways it is a source of embarrassment for me because it is a sign of how out of control my life was. I don’t […]

I think I need one of those pillboxes with the days of the week on them like old people use. At least twice a day I think, “did I or did I not take my pill”? I’ve kind of made peace with the possibility of being on medication long-term but if that’s the […]

Remorse - J.L. Borges
I have committed the worst sin of all
That a man can commit. I have not been
Happy. Let the glaciers of oblivion
Drag me and mercilessly let me fall.
My parents bred and bore me for a higher
Faith in the human game of nights and days;
For earth, for air, for water, and for […]

Now I need to come up with a reason

So, on a whim, I decided to increase my dosage to 40mg. I don’t know why. I don’t know what kind of effect it has except that it saves me time from having to split a pill in half.

Not much

Oh right, I have a second blog, don’t I? Perhaps not writing in this one is a good sign. It means my apathy is returning. And…that’s about all I have to say about that.

It

Sometimes, it leaves me alone for days at a time. I would like to believe that I can keep it at bay by leaving my mind blank, but I know that it is most likely out of my control because once it comes to haunt me, try as I might, I cannot think it […]

Decision

I’ve been rethinking and re-evaluating the pill stopping situation and I don’t think it’s the wisest move. Already I have been trying to hide out at home and not responding to emails and the like.
One day this will all end. One day.

Maybe, Maybe Not

So I have this new plan I’ve been thinking about for a while now. I’m thinking about getting off the meds on my own for my birthday. I’m not sure if I should start soon so that I’m done on my birthday, or if I should start tapering off on my birthday. […]

More pills, more!

Okay, I’ve had four consecutive nights without sleep and it’s boring the heck out of me. There’s not much to do away from home at 4 in the morning. It’s not jet-lag as I’m not drifting off to sleep in the middle of the day either. I got my hands on some […]

Cautious

The new prescription is awesome and I actually feel like a human again. It might be the meds or it might be deciding to do everything that I don’t want to do. Or it might be that I’ve decided to stop myself from reflecting and analyzing my own thoughts.
Perhaps it’s a […]

A day in the life

1am - lying wide awake in bed
2am - lying wide awake in bed
3am - scrubbing down the kitchen
4am - sleep finally arrives
7am - woken up by a panic attack
8am - woken up by a panic attack
9am - again. gave up on sleeping
10am - hit by waves of panic
11am - and so it continues
12pm - it […]

Today I told my therapist that I give up. I said that I’ve run out of ideas to try to help myself but tonight I think the truth is that I’ve run out of the will to help myself. Perhaps things will be better if I stop trying so damn hard because if […]

Have you seen the rain?

It’s a glorious day out, but today, even the sun is too much for me. Fuck. This. Shit. So. Hard.

Some days

Some days I have thoughts like this.
I wonder how fast people build up a tolerance to Celexa.

The answer

I just had another beer. That should solve the mystery.
Oh, and smoking cigars doesn’t do anything either.
Yes, I’m regressing to my self-distructive ways. Good thing I don’t do smack.


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