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Archive for March, 2006

If I only knew how to spell out a primal scream

One of the things I’ve often heard about psychotic medications is that it numbs your mind and your emotions. I never really understood what that meant or what that felt like but I did know it didn’t sound pleasant.
I think I now know what it feels like, and I was right, it’s not pleasant. […]

Still Incoherent

I haven’t really come up with some sort of structured argument but does it really matter if no one reads this? I think not.
I just wanted to say that I find it fucked up that I’m literally buying happiness at $40 a month. Well, I pretty much pay none of it, but it’s […]

Blah. Bleh.

As you can see, I’ve abandoned the daily update pattern as it seemed useless to say everyday that nothing has changed. In a way, I suppose I’m lucky that all the negative side-effects I had anticipated did not happen. However, at the same time, I’m now wondering when the intended effects are going […]

Thank God I Live Here

I filled my first prescription yesterday, just a week’s worth to tie me over till my appointment. These suckers cost $2 a pop! And that’s the generic stuff!
Oh yeah, and Days 14 & 15 - nothing new.

Dumb, dumb dumb

Otherwise known as Day 13.
Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep early so that I can get up earlier for my doctor’s appointment, I was compelled to get up and double-check that the appointment was indeed at 11:30. Well, turns out, it was 11:30, but yesterday. Not today.
This means that a) […]

Day 12

Yesterday was therapy day and I was asked to try two things this week. First, I need to cut back on the sleeping to only 8 hours a day from the 12+ hours from last week - a task which I have already failed miserably at this first morning. Second, I need to […]

Day 11

Same old…blah, blah, blah…but with less sleep! Which is good.

Day 10

I’m starting to think perhaps writing a post a day wasn’t the brightest idea. Today wasn’t at all different from yesterday, which wasn’t different from the day before that, which means I still don’t have anything to add.

Day 9

I slept for 12 hours. And then I took a nap. And now I just want to go to bed.
At least I’m not getting fat over this whole process. I’m lucky if I can choke down two meals a day these days.

Day 8

It’s “up the meds” day and so far, same old. I know the meds don’t necessarily work for everyone but I’m hopin’ and prayin’ they work for me because I really need them to.

Day 7

Is it possible to sleep more than I have in the past few days? Yes, I think so because I just want to go to sleep and not wake up again for a very. long. time.

Day 6

Fuck.

Day 5

I want to feel important again.

Day 4

Oh my, did I have a good day? No, really, did I?
The day started off strangely (I take the pill around midnight, so when I say “the day”, I literally mean when the calendar flips). On days 2 and 3, the pills knocked me out not long after I took them. […]

Skirting the edges of TMI

Be gone D.P. be gone!

Day 3

It hasn’t been a very good day today, but I’m trying not to let that get me down even more. It’s a process, right?
The anxiety attacks seem to have returned today but at least I can hold pen to paper and write again. Of course, I have trouble concentrating so there’s […]

Day 2

I think the pills are starting to have an effect? Not as in “Whee! I’m happy!” but in a “Damn this headache won’t go away” and “I can’t hold a pen still enough to write”. At least the anxiety attacks weren’t bad and went away by mid-day. I did wake up […]

Day 1

Nope, I didn’t die. Also, no random allergic reaction or sudden seizure, although I did lie awake for quite some time while my entire body trembled - not visibly, but I could feel my body vibrating. I know it’s not from the meds but just from fear.
I’m trying not to think of the […]

2:03 am

I took it. And I’m fucking petrified. I don’t know what is going to happen and I don’t like not knowing. I really wish I wasn’t alone. I don’t want to die. I know it’s not going to happen, but I still don’t. Because no one will know. […]

Prescription Day

I ended up with a prescription for Celexa. Well, I didn’t get an actual prescription but I was handed a couple of boxes of samples that should last for the next few weeks.
Two main things have been weighing on my mind today about this. First, my therapist thinks that medication might help and […]