If I only knew how to spell out a primal scream

Posted on Tuesday 28 March 2006

One of the things I’ve often heard about psychotic medications is that it numbs your mind and your emotions. I never really understood what that meant or what that felt like but I did know it didn’t sound pleasant.

I think I now know what it feels like, and I was right, it’s not pleasant. It may well be this cold bug that snuck up and hit me from nowhere, but probably not because I’ve had this general sense of “incoherence” for well over a week now. It’s that cotton-headed feeling you get when you wake up from a nap - you can’t quite concentrate fully yet, things are happening all around you, but you can’t quite grasp what’s going on. It’s that feeling like you’re removed from your surroundings but at the same time, removed from yourself.

Now take that post-nap moment and extend it over days. That’s what I feel like right now. I can’t seem to put thoughts together, I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling, and there’s no way to express it. I know I’m having a really bad day because I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself. It’s just a cold, but the fatigue from that combined with the depression meant it took me an hour to work up the energy to put on a pair of socks. I can’t tell you how good it felt to put on that pair of socks. I am not good at alone. I miss those days when someone would offer to get the cold medicine for me or make that soup for me because let me tell you, heating up that can of soup today was almost an impossible task. It made me afraid of growing old alone. It made me afraid to die alone.

This is what it’s like in my world right now. I live in fear. I am hyper-sensitized to myself, my thoughts, my emotions. Always judging, evaluating, seeking for meaning. These past couple of weeks though, I think the medication has finally kicked in because I’m numb.

I still live in fear, but I cannot tell you what I’m afraid of, but I can feel it lurking below the surface. I still try to figure out what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, but I can’t connect thoughts to emotions because I don’t recognize the feelings anymore. My emotions seem blunted somehow, or perhaps blurred. I can make out a sense of it, but I cannot identify it.

I know I made the decision to start on the meds, but now I worry if I can get off them. Depression has a habit of returning and apparantly cycling on and off medication reduces the effect of the medication and can increase the possibility of depression further down the line. I guess that’s what happens when you decide to alter your brain structure.

I can’t stop crying today. I just want so much to have my old life back. Please, please, please, please…

2 Comments for 'If I only knew how to spell out a primal scream'

    March 29, 2006 | 11:55 pm

    Well now you did it! You gave me permission to come over here too and pester you :-)

    What you’re describing is EXACTLY why I’ve always been petrified of taking any anti-depressant type of medication.

    Once, WAAAAY back when I almost died (stupid dumb asthma) and I was in ICU for 7 days then a regular room for another 7 days, the Drs worried that I’d become severely depressed once I got home. Why? I’m not entirely sure, but they said after an “experience” like mine, that most people become VERY depressed. Whatever. I didn’t want to go see my regular Dr and ask for anything. But my Mom was INSISTENT. I went, I told the Dr I wasn’t feeling sad or anything but explained what I had recently gone through and he gave me “something to help me sleep”. Pfffft. I think I took ONE pill and threw the rest away.

    I was too scared to take them.

    Um….so the reason I’m telling you this is why? I have no idea. Other than I think what you’re describing might be why some people tend to NOT want to take medications. Medications that probably help in the long run.

    So um, keep on keeping on Zuhn. Serioiusly though….keep doing what YOU need to do to take care of YOU and thank you for sharing parts of it with us.

    March 30, 2006 | 5:07 pm

    I can’t believe they were so insistent with the meds. You would think that being out of the hospital and feeling more alive would make you feel better and not more depressed, but then one thing I’ve learned is that depression is anything but rational.

    All the medication stuff is still somewhat mind-boggling for me. I never wanted to go on them, and I still don’t but, such are the choices we make in life, right? It’s nuts how much this tiny little pill scares me every day.

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