Posted on Sunday 9 July 2006

Sometimes, it leaves me alone for days at a time. I would like to believe that I can keep it at bay by leaving my mind blank, but I know that it is most likely out of my control because once it comes to haunt me, try as I might, I cannot think it or will it away. I serve at its pleasure.

What is ‘it’? ‘It’ is this feeling of loneliness that is at once both empty and heavy. It sits right in my chest as a constant reminder - as if loneliness is a physical ailment. If I try to ignore it, it rises to my throat and chokes me for attention. Acknowledging it provides a temporary abatement, but it seems to feed off my attention and thus, it grows larger with every passing thought.

If I’m lucky, it leaves me be after a few days. If it is feeling sadistic, it says for weeks, months at a time, growing larger and larger until it can reach the light dimmer in my brain. Like all mythical evils, it prefers the dark - and so, I live in its darkness.

My struggle is no longer to fight its existence, but to figure out if it is real of the result of deluded thoughts. The heavy emptiness certainly feels real enough for me to believe in its message - ‘you are completely and utterly alone’. However, I have also learned that depression has a way of mutating your thoughts to a point of desperate hopelessness. So what came first? Is it the loneliness that drove me to darkness? Or is it the depression that seeks to destroy me with this constant reminder?

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