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on suicide

Posted on Tuesday 17 October 2006

Just seeing the word makes me cringe and ever since I saw taking my own life as a viable option, I cannot say the word out loud. In some ways it is a source of embarrassment for me because it is a sign of how out of control my life was. I don’t know what it was that stopped me then. I like to say that it was because I needed to find a good home for my cat first. Perhaps it really was as simple as that. Perhaps though, it was because I did not want to die alone. The tragedy of that - of thinking that no one would even know I had died - was too great.

I write this in the past tense because I would like to pretend that things are better but I don’t know if they are really. If they are, why have I stopped eating again? Why can I feel the anxiety bubbling in my chest? Why am I writing this instead of sleeping? I would like to say that my suicidal thoughts were in the past, but once something has entered your consciousness; once you have actively planned something, you can’t ever go back to that place of naivete. I believe it will forever be an option. Instead of suicide being an abstract concept that only happens to other people, it is now something that only varies in its attractiveness as circumstances in my life change. I can’t say that any thing is stopping me right now. I don’t have a reason to do it, but more importantly, I don’t have a reason not to.

I was hoping that writing this out would ease my mind but it has not. How do you stop yourself from fearing possibility? What kind of life is it to be constantly looking over your shoulder to see if that demon called your mind is lurking behind you? Does one ever grow accustomed to it?

Everything is an uncertainty. I suppose never having a relapse is within the realm of possibility, but I highly doubt it. I have read the statistics. I know my own history. I do not believe my battle is over. Having named it, having sought treatment means it has only just begun.

1 Comment for 'on suicide'

    October 21, 2006 | 12:38 am

    I wish I could help you. I wish I could make your life “perfect”. I don’t know why I care so much about you, but I just do.

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