Day 3

Posted on Sunday 5 March 2006

It hasn’t been a very good day today, but I’m trying not to let that get me down even more. It’s a process, right?

The anxiety attacks seem to have returned today but at least I can hold pen to paper and write again. Of course, I have trouble concentrating so there’s really nothing for me to write down.

I’ve been having ok days this week but I can’t shake this nagging fear. I’m afraid of having another bad day. I know it’s going to come, but I don’t know when. I know I should just appreciate not having a bad day instead of anticipating the possibility of bad things, but I hate the bad days so much. The really bad ones make me think of death a lot and I don’t like that at all.

I also wonder how long I would have to take the pills for and if I will have to take it for my next episode. I think the problem is, I still don’t know what triggered it this time around. I mean, the stuff that has been going on this past year was tough, but it started before all the really hard stuff happened. And what about the time I got rejected from grad school? Why didn’t that cause me to be depressed?

I guess the reasons behind what triggers my depressive episodes can’t really be answered, but it does make me wonder how come other people can handle problems better than I can. I found out yesterday that a friend of mine broke up with her girlfriend the same day she found out a friend had passed away. She still gets up and goes to work every day, so why can’t I do something as simple as getting up and going to the laundromat?

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