The end. For now.

Posted on Wednesday 27 June 2007

So, seeing as how I decided to take myself off the pills a couple of weeks back and I’m still in one piece I guess this will be the end of this blog (for now at least). I’ll keep this blog up for the time being.

I must say, the side-effects coming off the pills were much worse than going on it, which was surprising. All in all, it’s been a wild ride and I’m happy to be off and on my own two feet again. It has definitely been an experience that changed my outlook on a lot of things and I’m starting to believe that there is always a way so long as you’re willing to look for it and take a chance.


zuhn @ 9:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Posted on Thursday 15 March 2007

Je refuse.

zuhn @ 11:24 am
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Posted on Wednesday 13 December 2006

$70 a month and not covered by insurance? Back to the generic Celexa I go.

zuhn @ 2:15 pm
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Posted on Wednesday 6 December 2006

Didn’t this blog used to be about medication? I seem to recall something of the sort, which means I should be noting that I’m starting a new medication today, Lexapro, which is like Celexa 2.0. It’s funny that for someone who freaked out about taking meds the first time around that I would just be willing to switch so easily and without fuss. I think it might be because this is the “new and improved” version and I’m the type of person who always falls for the fancy starburst on packaging. I’m such a douchebag.

zuhn @ 10:18 am
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Posted on Wednesday 29 November 2006

I have a post just waiting in my head to be written but I don’t think I should be writing anything here while I’m feeling so raw. It’s also hard to write about the state of my mind when I’m working on getting out of it. To delve back in enough to write something coherent is a scary, scary idea. My mind isn’t even a negative place right now but for me, contemplation often comes with deep emotional attachments and I can’t do that right now.

Maybe next week.

zuhn @ 7:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized
on suicide

Posted on Tuesday 17 October 2006

Just seeing the word makes me cringe and ever since I saw taking my own life as a viable option, I cannot say the word out loud. In some ways it is a source of embarrassment for me because it is a sign of how out of control my life was. I don’t know what it was that stopped me then. I like to say that it was because I needed to find a good home for my cat first. Perhaps it really was as simple as that. Perhaps though, it was because I did not want to die alone. The tragedy of that - of thinking that no one would even know I had died - was too great.

I write this in the past tense because I would like to pretend that things are better but I don’t know if they are really. If they are, why have I stopped eating again? Why can I feel the anxiety bubbling in my chest? Why am I writing this instead of sleeping? I would like to say that my suicidal thoughts were in the past, but once something has entered your consciousness; once you have actively planned something, you can’t ever go back to that place of naivete. I believe it will forever be an option. Instead of suicide being an abstract concept that only happens to other people, it is now something that only varies in its attractiveness as circumstances in my life change. I can’t say that any thing is stopping me right now. I don’t have a reason to do it, but more importantly, I don’t have a reason not to.

I was hoping that writing this out would ease my mind but it has not. How do you stop yourself from fearing possibility? What kind of life is it to be constantly looking over your shoulder to see if that demon called your mind is lurking behind you? Does one ever grow accustomed to it?

Everything is an uncertainty. I suppose never having a relapse is within the realm of possibility, but I highly doubt it. I have read the statistics. I know my own history. I do not believe my battle is over. Having named it, having sought treatment means it has only just begun.

zuhn @ 8:07 am
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Posted on Monday 25 September 2006

I think I need one of those pillboxes with the days of the week on them like old people use. At least twice a day I think, “did I or did I not take my pill”? I’ve kind of made peace with the possibility of being on medication long-term but if that’s the case, I’m going to need to figure a way not to freak out repeatedly wondering if I’ve taken them or not.

zuhn @ 8:47 pm
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Posted on Tuesday 5 September 2006

Remorse - J.L. Borges

I have committed the worst sin of all
That a man can commit. I have not been
Happy. Let the glaciers of oblivion
Drag me and mercilessly let me fall.
My parents bred and bore me for a higher
Faith in the human game of nights and days;
For earth, for air, for water, and for fire.
I let them down. I wasn’t happy. My ways
Have not fulfilled their youthful hope. I gave
My mind to the symmetric stubbornness
Of art, and all its webs of pettiness.
They willed me bravery. I wasn’t brave.
It never leaves my side, since I began:
This shadow of having been a brooding man.

All the things I wanted to say this past year but did not have the poetic abilities of Borges to do so. Right now though, I pretend. I pretend that I am fine and I believe it.

zuhn @ 8:11 pm
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Now I need to come up with a reason

Posted on Wednesday 16 August 2006

So, on a whim, I decided to increase my dosage to 40mg. I don’t know why. I don’t know what kind of effect it has except that it saves me time from having to split a pill in half.

zuhn @ 2:07 pm
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Not much

Posted on Tuesday 1 August 2006

Oh right, I have a second blog, don’t I? Perhaps not writing in this one is a good sign. It means my apathy is returning. And…that’s about all I have to say about that.

zuhn @ 9:56 pm
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Posted on Sunday 9 July 2006

Sometimes, it leaves me alone for days at a time. I would like to believe that I can keep it at bay by leaving my mind blank, but I know that it is most likely out of my control because once it comes to haunt me, try as I might, I cannot think it or will it away. I serve at its pleasure.

What is ‘it’? ‘It’ is this feeling of loneliness that is at once both empty and heavy. It sits right in my chest as a constant reminder - as if loneliness is a physical ailment. If I try to ignore it, it rises to my throat and chokes me for attention. Acknowledging it provides a temporary abatement, but it seems to feed off my attention and thus, it grows larger with every passing thought.

If I’m lucky, it leaves me be after a few days. If it is feeling sadistic, it says for weeks, months at a time, growing larger and larger until it can reach the light dimmer in my brain. Like all mythical evils, it prefers the dark - and so, I live in its darkness.

My struggle is no longer to fight its existence, but to figure out if it is real of the result of deluded thoughts. The heavy emptiness certainly feels real enough for me to believe in its message - ‘you are completely and utterly alone’. However, I have also learned that depression has a way of mutating your thoughts to a point of desperate hopelessness. So what came first? Is it the loneliness that drove me to darkness? Or is it the depression that seeks to destroy me with this constant reminder?

zuhn @ 11:33 pm
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Posted on Friday 30 June 2006

I’ve been rethinking and re-evaluating the pill stopping situation and I don’t think it’s the wisest move. Already I have been trying to hide out at home and not responding to emails and the like.

One day this will all end. One day.

zuhn @ 5:58 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Maybe, Maybe Not

Posted on Monday 19 June 2006

So I have this new plan I’ve been thinking about for a while now. I’m thinking about getting off the meds on my own for my birthday. I’m not sure if I should start soon so that I’m done on my birthday, or if I should start tapering off on my birthday.

I’m a bit hesitant to do it because I’ll still be half-way around the world and without my proper support networks if my plan backfires. What to do, what to do….

zuhn @ 7:46 am
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More pills, more!

Posted on Monday 12 June 2006

Okay, I’ve had four consecutive nights without sleep and it’s boring the heck out of me. There’s not much to do away from home at 4 in the morning. It’s not jet-lag as I’m not drifting off to sleep in the middle of the day either. I got my hands on some OTC sleeping pills and if I don’t get any sleep tonight, I’m popping one of those suckers. Insomnia is a new phenomenon for me and it makes me wonder as to the cause of it given my erratic experience with my depression and the meds.

zuhn @ 8:12 am
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Posted on Tuesday 30 May 2006

The new prescription is awesome and I actually feel like a human again. It might be the meds or it might be deciding to do everything that I don’t want to do. Or it might be that I’ve decided to stop myself from reflecting and analyzing my own thoughts.

Perhaps it’s a good thing that I’ve stopped trying to analyze myself because after how I felt today, I would seriously question whether or not I’ve been touched by a bit of mania. I’ve never been so hyper. I’m humming down the street. I spent five minutes trying to pick out the perfect lemon. I couldn’t sit still and I can always sit still. It’s one of my specialties. As is napping - something else I couldn’t do despite not getting enough sleep over the past few days.

Oh, the games we play in and with our minds. Scary stuff.

zuhn @ 11:12 pm
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A day in the life

Posted on Wednesday 24 May 2006

1am - lying wide awake in bed
2am - lying wide awake in bed
3am - scrubbing down the kitchen
4am - sleep finally arrives
7am - woken up by a panic attack
8am - woken up by a panic attack
9am - again. gave up on sleeping
10am - hit by waves of panic
11am - and so it continues
12pm - it stops for now.

I can’t do this anymore.

p.s. - and the dosage goes up. I fucking hate male doctors who always manage to succeed in making me feel less than when I walk out the door.

zuhn @ 6:26 pm
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Posted on Wednesday 10 May 2006

Today I told my therapist that I give up. I said that I’ve run out of ideas to try to help myself but tonight I think the truth is that I’ve run out of the will to help myself. Perhaps things will be better if I stop trying so damn hard because if I fail, it only hurts that much more. The irony does not escape me though - if I stop trying, that’s just another idea I’m trying out isn’t it? In a way, I don’t even know how to give up without overanalyzing. What the fuck is wrong with me?

zuhn @ 12:29 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Have you seen the rain?

Posted on Monday 8 May 2006

It’s a glorious day out, but today, even the sun is too much for me. Fuck. This. Shit. So. Hard.

zuhn @ 3:33 pm
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Some days

Posted on Friday 5 May 2006

Some days I have thoughts like this.

I wonder how fast people build up a tolerance to Celexa.

zuhn @ 7:37 pm
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The answer

Posted on Wednesday 26 April 2006

I just had another beer. That should solve the mystery.

Oh, and smoking cigars doesn’t do anything either.

Yes, I’m regressing to my self-distructive ways. Good thing I don’t do smack.

zuhn @ 11:42 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

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