Falling off the wagon

Posted on Sunday 23 April 2006

I bought a beer.

In preparation for the descent of moms and pops later this week*, I am about to test how well alcohol and Celexa mixes for me. Reported effects range from “nothing at all” to “decreased tolerance” to “back the fuck away from the drink”. We shall see which category I fall into, I’m hoping for “nothing at all” because I really miss my occasional glass of cab.

*Alcoh-loading while the parents are here is not a coping mechanism, rather declining a drink in their company will rouse suspicions and they do NOT need to know why.

zuhn @ 8:18 pm
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Four days and counting

Posted on Wednesday 19 April 2006

I’ve had a brief streak of productivity these past few days and since I made a few decisions that helped to reduce my stress load, it’s been alright. I have yet to recover my introspective qualities but in a way this continued decrease in self-reflection has also stopped me from thinking about how much I miss my thoughts. That last sentence makes absolutely no sense at all, but that’s sort of my point. There’s a certain amount of senselessness going on. The break between my mood and my thoughts and actions continues to this day and I’ve reached a certain point where I’ve just given up trying to make sense of things and just rolling with the punches as much as I can. I would say that I’ve lost motivation, but that would hardly be true because I never had much motivation to begin with. Instead, I think it’s more accurate to say that I’ve lost a reason for being. Whereas a couple of months ago, it was about struggling to keep my head above the water and waiting for that break in the clouds, now, I don’t know what the point to my day is.

zuhn @ 4:27 pm
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Glug

Posted on Monday 17 April 2006

I miss alcohol. Or perhaps I’m just tired of the surprised looks when I have to turn down a drink.

zuhn @ 10:20 am
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Mon oeil

Posted on Tuesday 11 April 2006

I had this dream last night where one of the “characters” was screaming “I can’t cry! Why can’t I cry? What’s wrong with me”?

When I woke up, I couldn’t open my eyes but it was like I could see through my eyelids.

My dreams aren’t usually very cryptic but I never thought it would bludgeon me like so.

zuhn @ 2:26 pm
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Fog

Posted on Thursday 6 April 2006

The medication has helped take away the feelings of utter despair and overwhelming anxiety, but it has also taken away joy. This is how it’s going to be till I get off the pills, I think, so I need to learn to adjust to feeling this way (or perhaps not feeling?). I don’t know if I will be able to really get over this numbness that’s taken over. I’m used to being in tune with my feelings and these days I feel like I spend most of my energy trying to peer through the haze to figure out what I’m feeling instead of spending it on more productive tasks. There is this big disconnect between what I know I should be feeling and my actual emotional state. A friend of mine said it’s probably because I still have the memory of emotions and I think he may be right.

zuhn @ 11:18 pm
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walled-in

Posted on Sunday 2 April 2006

I’m having one of those weekends where for all intents and purposes, I should be curled up in a ball crying. I can feel the sadness and the anxiety building in my chest - kind of a sinking pain if you will. I’m not crying though. I am not nervous. My mind cannot compute that I should be stressed, but my body knows. Is this what happens with medication?

I suppose it’s a relief that I’m not curled up crying, but I want to cry. At least it’s a release of some kind. Instead, I feel like my emotions are being blocked by this wall of little white pills so that they cannot travel from my heart to my brain.

zuhn @ 12:03 am
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If I only knew how to spell out a primal scream

Posted on Tuesday 28 March 2006

One of the things I’ve often heard about psychotic medications is that it numbs your mind and your emotions. I never really understood what that meant or what that felt like but I did know it didn’t sound pleasant.

I think I now know what it feels like, and I was right, it’s not pleasant. It may well be this cold bug that snuck up and hit me from nowhere, but probably not because I’ve had this general sense of “incoherence” for well over a week now. It’s that cotton-headed feeling you get when you wake up from a nap - you can’t quite concentrate fully yet, things are happening all around you, but you can’t quite grasp what’s going on. It’s that feeling like you’re removed from your surroundings but at the same time, removed from yourself.

Now take that post-nap moment and extend it over days. That’s what I feel like right now. I can’t seem to put thoughts together, I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling, and there’s no way to express it. I know I’m having a really bad day because I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself. It’s just a cold, but the fatigue from that combined with the depression meant it took me an hour to work up the energy to put on a pair of socks. I can’t tell you how good it felt to put on that pair of socks. I am not good at alone. I miss those days when someone would offer to get the cold medicine for me or make that soup for me because let me tell you, heating up that can of soup today was almost an impossible task. It made me afraid of growing old alone. It made me afraid to die alone.

This is what it’s like in my world right now. I live in fear. I am hyper-sensitized to myself, my thoughts, my emotions. Always judging, evaluating, seeking for meaning. These past couple of weeks though, I think the medication has finally kicked in because I’m numb.

I still live in fear, but I cannot tell you what I’m afraid of, but I can feel it lurking below the surface. I still try to figure out what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, but I can’t connect thoughts to emotions because I don’t recognize the feelings anymore. My emotions seem blunted somehow, or perhaps blurred. I can make out a sense of it, but I cannot identify it.

I know I made the decision to start on the meds, but now I worry if I can get off them. Depression has a habit of returning and apparantly cycling on and off medication reduces the effect of the medication and can increase the possibility of depression further down the line. I guess that’s what happens when you decide to alter your brain structure.

I can’t stop crying today. I just want so much to have my old life back. Please, please, please, please…

zuhn @ 9:42 pm
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Still Incoherent

Posted on Thursday 23 March 2006

I haven’t really come up with some sort of structured argument but does it really matter if no one reads this? I think not.

I just wanted to say that I find it fucked up that I’m literally buying happiness at $40 a month. Well, I pretty much pay none of it, but it’s still fucked up.

zuhn @ 8:32 pm
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Blah. Bleh.

Posted on Wednesday 22 March 2006

As you can see, I’ve abandoned the daily update pattern as it seemed useless to say everyday that nothing has changed. In a way, I suppose I’m lucky that all the negative side-effects I had anticipated did not happen. However, at the same time, I’m now wondering when the intended effects are going to kick in.

I saw my doctor today and he said it’s too soon to tell if it works, but at the same time, we should be seeing whether or not it’s working by now. I don’t know what that means either. I did get a new prescription, so in a sense, I’m past the trial period and can officially call myself “medicated”.

I really need to start dealing with this issue a little more and become a bit more comfortable with it. In the beginning, I was able to use the medication as an excuse (if you will) to ask for help. It was a good starting point because in a way it showed that the problem is serious enough to warrant medication (i.e. I’m not just whiny and crabby) and that I’m working on it (i.e. not just whining and being crabby). Now though, I’m not so sure. I still haven’t told anyone new about the situation and in a way I think the people I have told are wondering why things aren’t getting better yet, not knowing that it takes about a month for the meds to start really working, if they ever do.

Anyways, scattered thoughts from a tired brain. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll come up with something more structured.

zuhn @ 12:27 am
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Thank God I Live Here

Posted on Friday 17 March 2006

I filled my first prescription yesterday, just a week’s worth to tie me over till my appointment. These suckers cost $2 a pop! And that’s the generic stuff!

Oh yeah, and Days 14 & 15 - nothing new.

zuhn @ 1:55 pm
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Dumb, dumb dumb

Posted on Wednesday 15 March 2006

Otherwise known as Day 13.

Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep early so that I can get up earlier for my doctor’s appointment, I was compelled to get up and double-check that the appointment was indeed at 11:30. Well, turns out, it was 11:30, but yesterday. Not today.

This means that a) I was up half the night shocked that I would miss an appointment because it’s not something I have ever done and b) I now have to pay a $60 penalty, which is just as well since the provincial government is so generous to cover all my other sessions. But, damn.

So anyways, I made another appointment for next week and got an emergency prescription from another doctor for a week to tie me over since I’m running out of pills.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

zuhn @ 3:46 pm
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Day 12

Posted on Tuesday 14 March 2006

Yesterday was therapy day and I was asked to try two things this week. First, I need to cut back on the sleeping to only 8 hours a day from the 12+ hours from last week - a task which I have already failed miserably at this first morning. Second, I need to set my work hours and if I don’t get anything done in those hours, that’s it for the day. It’s supposed to force me to focus when I need to, allow me to unwind at the end of the day, and not give myself hell for procrastinating and then extending my “working hours” to 3am. I’m interested to see if this would work. I mean it will be easy to follow since it is cutting down on my work hours, but we’ll see if this increases my productivity. We shall see. I also gave myself a task for the week, which is to leave the apartment everyday, so Monday to Friday, I must go to school and then Saturday is breakfast at the Diner and then Sunday is coffee at Starbucks. I already don’t want to go to school today because it’s not very pretty out but I will.

In terms of the meds, I’m meeting the doctor tomorrow so we’ll see if I will be continuing with this or not.

zuhn @ 1:27 pm
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Day 11

Posted on Monday 13 March 2006

Same old…blah, blah, blah…but with less sleep! Which is good.

zuhn @ 1:11 am
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Day 10

Posted on Saturday 11 March 2006

I’m starting to think perhaps writing a post a day wasn’t the brightest idea. Today wasn’t at all different from yesterday, which wasn’t different from the day before that, which means I still don’t have anything to add.

zuhn @ 11:06 pm
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Day 9

Posted on Friday 10 March 2006

I slept for 12 hours. And then I took a nap. And now I just want to go to bed.

At least I’m not getting fat over this whole process. I’m lucky if I can choke down two meals a day these days.

zuhn @ 11:23 pm
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Day 8

Posted on Thursday 9 March 2006

It’s “up the meds” day and so far, same old. I know the meds don’t necessarily work for everyone but I’m hopin’ and prayin’ they work for me because I really need them to.

zuhn @ 11:24 pm
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Day 7

Posted on Wednesday 8 March 2006

Is it possible to sleep more than I have in the past few days? Yes, I think so because I just want to go to sleep and not wake up again for a very. long. time.

zuhn @ 5:33 pm
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Day 6

Posted on Wednesday 8 March 2006

Fuck.

zuhn @ 12:23 am
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Day 5

Posted on Monday 6 March 2006

I want to feel important again.

zuhn @ 7:16 pm
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Day 4

Posted on Monday 6 March 2006

Oh my, did I have a good day? No, really, did I?

The day started off strangely (I take the pill around midnight, so when I say “the day”, I literally mean when the calendar flips). On days 2 and 3, the pills knocked me out not long after I took them. Day 4 though, I don’t think I could have slept if I tried. I was up till 5am working to meet a deadline, so in a way, it was lucky that the pill didn’t knock me out and that I had something to keep me busy.

Most of the other symptoms, I have a hard time figuring out if it is because of the medication or if it’s just me. I mean the tremors and the anxiety increased but the headaches, stomachaches and vertigo are things that happen to me without the pills too. The sleeping thing though, is definitely not like me at all. I live for sleep. In fact, I have been sleeping too much lately, so this sleeplessness thing is definitely the pill.

Anyhow, it’s therapy day tomorrow and I’m looking forward to saying that it’s been a good week. Well, if you don’t count my freaking out the night I took the first pill, that is, but I’m not going to beat myself up about that because it’s a scary thing to do and it’s normal to be scared.

zuhn @ 12:24 am
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